I sometimes wonder whether or not I will ever feel good again. Will I ever be able to go to sleep without waking up every two hours with my heart racing? Will I ever be able to run fast enough to keep the killers in my dreams from shooting me, chasing me, grabbing me, threatening me and attacking me? Will I ever be able to wake up in the morning feeling rested and calm instead of panicked and terror stricken? Will I ever be able to just plan out my day without worrying about nosebleeds, diarrhea, heart palpitations, panic attacks, or some other physical challenge? When will this shit stop? Seriously, I am so over it.
If many of you out there are anything like me, you have had a run in or two with prescription medications. You may have been prescribed benzos for panic and anxiety or SSRIs for depression or some other theoretical (aka BS) “chemical imbalance.”
This blog is for those of you who may still be on those drugs, contemplating quitting, dealing with a slow taper, suffering through “cold turkey” or years off but still dealing with unmanageable symptoms. You know the ones… the chronic, ongoing insomnia, the low level buzz of anxiety that is always present, the poor digestion, the cloudy thinking, the heart rhythm irregularities that have no rhyme or reason, the agoraphobia, the bouts of terror and panic, your body’s sudden inability to regulate its own temperature, the nightmares, and the either profound loss of appetite or feelings of intense hunger.
Been dancing with this devil for more than a year now – and his legs don’t seem to be getting tired – but mine sure are.
So here I sit – and write I will. Until it leaves, or kills me. Whichever comes first.